Competing with people is always a challenge that enables us to stretch our potential and improve our abilities. Yet in a world of six billion people, competition with others can become endless and insignificant. Ultimately, what matters the most about competition is to enhance our self-understanding, not to be better than everyone else, because the biggest challenge we face in life is with ourselves.
Now I hear a voice calling me from the stage.
"Number Five. You're up."
There I was, hands shaking, forehead clammy, my face as hot as a burning iron and my heart beating at the speed of a rollercoaster. "Get up and take your bow! What are you waiting for?" An impatient and harsh voice urged. "You are invincible," it commanded.
This voice, so far yet so close, so loud yet fading away into the vast audience before me filled me with fear and pressure. "You can't fail," the voice cautioned.
Then, a thunderous applause and a string of graceful, melodious music emanated from my cello.
I was five when I went to my first cello lesson. I can still vividly recall the taste of the tootsies roll my cello teacher gave me and my bright lollipop lips. It tasted like paradise. She promised me more sweets if I learned to play better than her other students. She had captured my desire to excel on the cello and it became the most important mission of my life.
This mission was still burning by the time I entered my teenage years; I was practicing daily, participating in competitions and excelling in my examinations. Every time I stood on the stage or sat on the chair in the exam room, there would always be an ambitious voice inside my head, strictly demanding me that I must achieve my goal and be better than everyone else. It told me to hide my vulnerability because I must be invincible and defeat all my competitors. Nevertheless, life was starting to make my musical dreams more complicated. High school stole so much of my time that my cello practices became less frequent and I could hear my harmonious world falling into disharmony. I began to panic when my skills deteriorated and I thought I would not be able to surpass any other musicians. A shrill voice inside my head scolded: "How could you fail? What were you possibly thinking? Don't you want to be a professional player? What happened to you wanting to defeat everyone else and shine on the stage?"
This bully’s voice tormented me into believing that I had lost my talent and my hopes. I soon lost my taste for competition.
As my schoolwork increased, my time with cello decreased even more. Nevertheless, the time I could spend in my music became precious to me. I would play Bach’s sonata in G Major when I was delighted with a new friendship or it was the end of a productive week. Sometimes I would need to work through Beethoven’s C Minor concerto to ease my stress and frustration. I came to love this musical companion of mine. My cello ceased to be an instrument of ambition and became an essential part of me. It was then I discovered that my other ambitious self was the one who always oppressed my talents, who trapped my own passion and turned it into desires. I was the biggest enemy that I faced throughout the years.
After learning that this enemy did not have to exist if I follow my heart and show my genuine side, I was no longer measuring myself to others but, instead, expressing myself through my music. The voice in my head was no longer admonishing me, but was praising me for my growth in understanding that it was myself who I needed to learn. The voice celebrated my passion for music and my appreciation for others’ talents.
Last month I participated in the Kiwanis cello competition, and just like years ago, I was still very nervous. However, this time I had more confidence because my inner voice supported me by encouraging me to share my musical light with others. I practiced for days for this competition and I shone. My partner, Annie, and I won first place in the duet competition, and I won second in singles. I realized in these wonderful moments of recognition that to have my passion trapped for desire was very unworthy because my talent was not composed in a drive against myself and to be invincible to others, but it was created note by note with an instrument I love that is also my musical companion.
No comments:
Post a Comment